she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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