This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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