he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
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he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
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That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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