tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
