i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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