My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I am one with the molecules
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
