I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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