I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
