She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
