yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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