Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
