she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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