Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
