WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
