We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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