I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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