Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just want to make out with him forever
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
