Do you still have your period?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
