Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
