I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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