i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
