she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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