my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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