she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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