I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
