Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
