We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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