Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
