Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
