He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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