proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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