yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
