Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
