i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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