Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
MIDGETS
????
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
