the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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