Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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