she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
