So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
