I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
