Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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