My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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