I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
