It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
