Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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