On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sorry about my life...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
