I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
