Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
