why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I love you. Go after that dick
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
