Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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