I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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