Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
