i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
