i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
