paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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