A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
