my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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